How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love to Cook

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“…now I know how eating itself links me to ways of being in the world that are excessive, subversive, even forbidden. My own needs and desires always felt like a burden, like a second body I carried on my back, a child who could never be fully satisfied. Food forms a bridge between the world and those desires. Flesh of my rewritten flesh: bodies whose queer desires for love, for sex, rend the world apart, and create it anew.”

– Marusya Bociurkiw, Comfort Food for Breakups

It took me years to learn how to listen to know to my body. I was just walking around, intensely self-conscious but with a strong sense of alienation of every part of me below the neck.  I first started listening to my body, was by noticing what was going on in my gut. It speaks the loudest. But still, for years, I did know if I was hungry or full or just had a dull roar in it’s belly from something I was feeling but didn’t have a name for yet. One of the other ways I learned to make friends with my body was by learning how to cook. A lot of people are intimidated by cooking, and think it’s only the provence of professionals or the highly domestic. I had a girlfriend who told me  that I was a terrible cook because I could never cook from a recipe without changing with it somehow. Which doesn’t make me a bad cook, it makes me a devoted improvisationalist.  But this truth came to light later.

But for years I stumbled around eating toast for dinner and endearing myself to generous cooks who were happy to have another admirer at their table, to bring wine and tell funny stories and do the dishes. Being a good guest is a great way let other people fend for you for awhile and get invited back another time.

But eventually, I learned to cook. The winter I was 23 years old, in Seattle’s dull gray, at the end of a wrenching relationship, and halfway through a temp job in a windowless basement office. At the time, I had quickly fallen into infatuation with another lonely heart, who would never let me kiss her, but would come over to my house to cook for me. I had a crush on her curly hair and her smart mouth, and she made cooking look like something less mystifying than in the past. I desperately wanted to figure out how to nurture myself, and had recently figured out I could not outsource this responsibility to anybody else.

I have always been some kind of curvy, and this point in my life, I wasn’t trying to have the food I put into my mouth have any kind of effect on my body, I was just trying to learn to feed myself. I was trying to learn to make things –out of the flight of my own imagination, and out of the Moosewood cookbook, and out of the scrabbled-together ingredients I had in my cupboard, while my curly-haired companion would nag me for my egregious substitutions, but this time around, I was just leaning into the fact that I was making it up as I was going along. I was learning what things my body was hungry for, and what felt good to my body on a very basic, chemical level. It was a practice of relearning how to live in my body, and acknowledge it’s needs. It was after  a long time spent in a couple of relationships, where I had been in the practice of behaving as if the world were a small, cramped place. My body, which had a lot of information for me about what it really wanted, was learning to ask for things instead of going numb.

These days I am still a girl who would rather make up her recipes than follow anything straight out of a book or from the internet, but I have learned how to feed myself and the people I love and hope to keep around. I have “taught” other people to cook-by which I mean, we cooked together, and they watched me throw things together on the fly, and I answered questions like “How do you know when the rice is done?” with “When it tastes done.” I never went to culinary school, I just learned how to throw things together that feed my tired body and will let my fretful heart be satisfied.

I think that our own order in the natural world exists in the same way. At the same time of year that I make the most outrageously loud sneezes and spend half my morning bent over the sink with a netipot because of the pollen in the air, there are nettles growing outside that I could very well make into tea or pesto that would take the bite out of these allergies. There is a cure to whatever ails us, whether heartache or indigestion, but it will likely take some searching and ingenuity. All that knowledge exists- the plants and foods that will shift your mood and reshape the outlook of your day- and it hasn’t necessarily been lost. But like I said-this takes some looking, and some experimentation, and some paying attention.

These days, I cook for myself and my sweetheart and for whoever else happens to be passing through. My curly-headed friend moved halfway across the globe to eat cheese and learn other languages. This weekend I walked into the woods near our house and gathered nettles and scraped myself up against the prickly parts and got stung on my arms and legs. But I blanched them, and blended them into a pesto with walnuts I roasted and too much garlic. In the summertime I make so much pesto with raw garlic that sometimes my sweetheart complains about sleeping next to me, her stinky girlfriend who is radiating the smell of garlic like rancid potpourri. But this night there wasn’t too much garlic, and I made us pesto pizza with goat cheese and sun dried tomatoes. It was no spectacular culinary feat, but after she came back from working in the yard, and we sat down to eat together.

Cooking- and food- can stir up lots of issues- an inherent fear that we aren’t going to do it right, as well as all the overwhelming baggage that food carries with it. Their seems to be a culture force at work trying to convince people to fight their inherent desires to eat. Bodies are gorgeous at all sizes, as far as I am concerned- but not everyone has had the luck to hold onto such a notion. Also, most of us have become so removed from the production of our own means of survival, that the most basic things like food and water are things we buy, and have little relationship of making or creating before we put them into our bodies.

We get so confused by all the intense contradictory information and shame thrown at us around food that most people have the hardest time just knowing what they want to eat. It is the work of a lifetime, both to learn how to cook the things you want to feed yourself, not to mention things that you may have learned from your family or culture of origin. It is also a life’s work to learn to be at peace with your body and the queer, dangerous things that it wants.


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ambivalence! so many feelings!

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I never really liked being ambivalent, and I didn’t trust anybody else’s ambivalence. For a long time, ambivalence to me felt too much like uncertainty. For me, was that queasy sway of not-knowing, of holding onto the future’s coat tails and wishing hard
and focusing intently without pause. If I relaxed for even a minute and unwound the tight tape inside my head, my connection to the future would  turn to fuzzy static.

The every day of life has it’s own resonance, and the quiet hum or the dull roar will echo back to you. It’s resonance or dissonance with thecthings you want, the direction you’re moving, and the unanswered and emergent truths are your answer. At this point in my past, my dissonance was so loud I could hardly hear anyone, and I was trying to strap life down with bungee cords so that I could figure out where to direct my enthusiasm and everything seemed to be moving eight directions at once.

Sometimes I would lecture destiny out loud to tell it what my plans were. My plans were mostly an iteration of a fierce desire to be loved and a manic insistence that I be allowed to take up space. I did all this to remove myself from the present tense, in
which I did not want to sort out my sense of loneliness and wild uncertainty. I used “manifesting” as a verb a lot. I read my tarot cards almost every day to predict my glamorous future.

To a certain extent this was really important-because it gave me a sense that my relationship with the universe and the outcomes of my behavior were part of an interconnected eco-system of intention, action, and uncertainty. I did not have complete control over my life’s wandering path, but I was going to take the universe by the ear and insist that she listen.   I did not know how to make space for ambivalence because to stray from the singular focus of my vision, I thought, diminished the imminence of the things I wanted touching ground.

But along the way I think I learned my relationship with the universe didn’t have to be quite so forceful. I could lean into love, and wait for an answers, and hang out in the present.

These days I am less fraught with uncertainty and more preoccuped with ambivalence. I think many of us are challenged by ambivalence. It is the tension between two contradictory truths or desires- which can be an uncomfortable place to live, but a necessary one in finding which way is your north. I think we are given to extremes, to hard ground, inflexible truths and a discomfort with fence-sitting. A friend describes this as “holding complexity.” It acknowledges the sincerity of our own truth and process without undermining the existence of other truths.

I think ambivalence is also an important pathway to healing. People talk about the process of therapy reconciling “cognitive dissonance”- which is essentially an experience of living multiple contradictory/complex  truths, but the dissonance between the two becomes so loud that it makes it hard for you to live/focus/be a person. By naming your ambivalence, and unraveling it, it gives you a chance to suss out the space in between. These days, I don’t coming to fisticuffs with fate or have a single insistent story I have to tell everyone I meet.  I try to hold the space between two fearful extremes, and lean into the quiet truth that lies between. Of allowing that brief inhale, that narrow space in between two severe points, there becomes a space for healing and transformation. See, if you can, make that space, in this moment, in your heart and in your lungs and the space between your ears, between your shoulders and hipbones and legs in the hinges of your jaws. Open that space with your breath, and with the hinges of your body that can be eased. See what you find.

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Change is Inevitable! Resistance is Futile!

There seems to be a popular sentiment, that runs along the lines of “How do I get my______ to do _________?”  Most people are at some point in their life spend time trying to convince somebody to do something that they want them to do. And to a certain extent this may be reasonable. Explaining to toddlers why biting is not an appropriate means of engaging with conflict is reasonable. We all do a certain amount of directing, redirecting, and bobbing and weaving to finagle things to go our way. We want things to go our way and we want other people to help us! There’s a lot of psychology around it,  and advertisers use it all the time, (and this is form “psychology can mean “subtle manipulation”) and frequently they play off shame and insecurity. (Buy stuff! You aren’t good enough! Everybody knows it! Buy stuff!)

But there is a particular style of managing other people that we are talking about today, and this kind is pretty directly related to people trying to control other people “for their own good,” and/or because they love them soooooo much and have to be all up in their business all the time.

This type of helping (“for your own good”) I think is something that a lot social work-y/helper type of folks take on.  They want you to go back to college and finish your degree-they believe in you! They want you to go for a run-you’ll feel better! They want you to remember to eat dinner- dinner is important! They want you to get out and make some friends- you are very likeable!

All of these things are not bad things to want for somebody else. However, I think we have a pretty obtuse view of “helping”- it often becomes this extremely elevated task in which a power differential is inherent, and whomever does the helping is this sainted, magnanimous creature who can do no wrong. And these earnest helpers really want to herd you away from all the bad things: from your mean parents! From addiction! From too much internet! From the toxic aspects of the society we live in! from gluten! From ill-fitting clothing!

However : you cannot make anybody change their mind about anything they don’t want to. Shame is a short-term solution to most things, but it doesn’t actually motivate people to make change, and you CAN’T MAKE ANYBODY CHANGE. Even if your motives are pure. Even if you are just doing it because you love them. Even if you have done everything, everything right and now years later you are burnt out and resentful. Even then, you cannot make anybody change.

And most people, most of the time are capable of change. Most change is slow and incremental, and even though culturally we love to glamorize sudden makeovers (suddenly I am a totally different dress size and I am also funny and never awkward at parties and all people want to do is come over to my house and drink cocktails out of tiny mason jars and we laugh and all these great pictures of me show up on facebook and it looks like every moment of my life is SO MUCH FUN.) Most change does not work that way. Often it takes time, and consistency, and intention. Those things might not appear sexy at first glance, but they also will probably save your life in the long run.

Also, (this is a thing they sort of taught me in grad school)-people are ambivalent about lots of things. And if something needs to change, they are often having a strong sense of ambivalence. Ambivalence is kind of like a see-saw- there are often two sides to it, the side that says, “Change!” and the side that says, “Keep doing things the exact same way!”

Many well meaning helper types will hop onto that see-saw and be like, “Change! Change is good! Change is not as scary as it seems! I will help you change!” which leaves the other person little other choice but to get onto the other side of the see-saw, and insist that things must stay the same. (Something that is funny and almost universally true: people don’t like to be told what to do.)

It is an interesting exercise to validate someone’s desire to maintain the same patterns they’ve been using. When you do that, folks more often than not will have lots more desire/willingness to discuss the ways in which maybe it would not be so scary/bad if they explored doing things differently.

(dear nerds: sometimes people call this motivational interviewing. Or, you could call it “talking to somebody and not steering the conversation toward the thing you want so that you are actually listening to them.” Whatev. Your call.)

But so, there’s the other part of why a person’s self-esteem is tied up in doing for other people in the first place. Sometimes, it’s about socialized gender roles! Surprise! If you are born into a particular gender category, (usually female) it apparently follows that all you want to do is take care of people and annihilate any ambition or boundaries you may have. Lots of people have deeply internalized the message that in order to “truly” love somebody or something, that thing must come first at all times, and to have a sense of self apart from your job/romantic relationship/passion for saving endangered guinea pigs, you are doing it wrong and you are betraying the idea of your One True Love/Passion/Ambition.

Dear friends, this is nonsense talking. However, it is a story a lot of people know, which speaks to why people put themselves out doing for other people and sometimes as a result cannot respect the fact that other people are not going to change their behavior or their attitude on your schedule.  You (yes you) are a big shiny star-person and you are good enough even if you are not constantly running around policing other people’s behavior. In fact probably people would like you more if you stopped doing that. But people like you! Now go on and have fun and act like a boundaried adult, even if you don’t feel like one. You’ll get the hang of it eventually.

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How To Manifest and How Not To

There’s been talk for a few years now of The Secret (TM!?!?), which involves Stating Your Intentions and Manifesting and the Theory of Attraction and How Like Attracts Like. (in physics! Science rules!)
Now, I am not here to tell you that this is a bunch of baloney. Far from it.

I think there is incredible power, magic even, in declaring what you want from the world. Writing open letters to the universe. Having a list of demands. All of those things are good and great. You can’t ask for the thing you need or want if you have not said what it is you need or want. And there is no psychic Oprah fairy godmother who can tell you what you want. Your body knows that and you have to ask it.

However, what I am here to re-inforce, is that the process of manifesting is a multi-step process.

First, use your magic powers and figure out what it is that you want. Sometimes you need to experiment, sometimes you think you know what you want and you change your mind halfway through, and usually it is an ongoing process. My only instructives for this are “try new things until you get it right” and “the only person who will actually know when it is right is you.”

I feel like this whole mystery of the universe/the secret thing gets brought up specifically around meeting appropriate life partners/boyfriends/somebody who will take me to the sock hop and tell me that I’m pretty. I know people want other things, oftentimes things that cost money, but most of the folks I know are preoccupied with some combination of “how do I make lots of money” “how do I find somebody who will love me even though I am weird” and the ever ephemeral “how do I go about being happy” which is a whole nuther case of animal crackers. I am specifically here for a deposition on how to go about meeting somebody who will love you in spite of the fact that you are a lovable but very weird cookie.

So! Now you know what you want! Perhaps you have written a letter and put it in the window to let the sun’s rays radiate and have used lots of action verbs and specific adjectives! Good for you!

So what now, huh? You know what you want, when is your sweet sweet honey going to come tootling around the block to come court you?

Well friend, I don’t know.

However! There are things you can do along the way. Things I, in fact, encourage you to do. These are not the equivalent of playing the state license plate game on an interminable road trip, these are in fact mile markers that will tell you where you are going. Because guess what, this road trip is your life and guess who’s driving. YOU.

So, first things first: what are you hoping for? What are you dreaming of? How do you want your life to be different?

What would you need to change for those things to happen?

Okay, so let’s think about the ways that your life right now is helping or not helping you make this thing happen.

Also, just to offer a caveat: this diatribe is not to bully anybody who has different goals than the ones I mentioned. Maybe you have other goals, like being a figure skater, or being really good at math, or overthrowing capitalism. Those are all totally fine goals. These instructives can apply, or not apply to you. Take what works for you.

Okay, so back to what’s working and not working.

So what’s not working? Is your drama factory in overproduction? Are you trying to live in a happy, cohesive collective household but never doing any of your dishes? How much are the things you say matching up with the things you do?

A smart therapist I know talks about the “feedback loop”.It’s part of a REALLY smart book about boundaries and how to have them, but the jist of “the feedback loop” (I think) is that: if you are trying to have or keep a boundary (about your time, about your relationships, about who can eat your leftover deli turkey that you maybe weren’t finished with), part of maintaining that boundary is communicating about it with your support system, and setting it up so that your social network assists you in maintaining your boundaries.

But what does “maintaining your boundaries” have to do with pursuing goals, eh?

Well, basically, the only way you get anything done is by setting boundaries, prioritizing, and letting other things fall by the wayside and maybe picking them up later. You decide to focus on the things that matter to you. You set boundaries around your time and emotional energy so that you have more to offer the things that matter to you. And many many people have strong feelings of “should” around their time and energy. What they should be doing. Who they should be talking to.

So take some time and get to know your “should”s. They will tell you a lot about the values you were raised with, and probably a lot about your specific insecurities. When you get to know them and aren’t just getting bossed around by them, you can make decisions about which “shoulds” you want to honor, and which you want to leave alone.

So now what? We have boundaries, we have a feedback loop, we have a working knowledge of our shoulds. Probably we are also finding that the method of trial-and-error is finding some things we like, some things we don’t, and a lot of gray area.

Another thing: logic doesn’t usually hurt you. But it is also not the only way of knowing things or determining what is true and right in your heartest of hearts. Like I said. Only you know that.

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Minding Your Own Busineess Y/N

Minding your own business is something I got told to do a lot when I was a kid, probably because I was not minding my own business. I am better at it these days, but sometimes I think being a therapist is a spectacular way to find out all the business that is going on in the world these days.


Lately, I’ve become a big fan of the phrase. Mostly I employ it to chastise judge-y people. Like, a lovely girl I knew growing up who was pregnant before she got engaged. Hurray! Babies! Oh, wait, sex outside of marriage is against the teachings of the church? Mind your own business!


Or my other friend, who gets into a lot of frisky business, which other people like to speculate about, and not in a ‘get it girl’ kind of a way- Mind your own business!


I have found it to be a really effective way to shut those kinds of conversations down. A lot of judge-y people do not want to get caught running their mouths about other people’s business.


That being said, there is the other side of ‘mind your own business’, which is less about not hassling other people who are just doing their funky thing, and more about reinforcing the status quo.


I don’t know if you guys have met the status quo, but the status quo is bad news bears for pretty much everybody involved. Most social justice movements arose from people disrupting the status quo.


And this could be about really big things, like folks agitating to start a union (when upper management would likely tell them to get back to their business of working, as opposed to minding the bigger business of their collective quality of life.) It could be about small things in your life that look like things like washing dishes or getting interrupted in a conversation or getting shut down, again. They are actually about big things like how You Get To Have An Opinion and It Is Not Actually Your Job To Do Everything and How Most People Know Enough Not To Use Awful Words But Can Still Be Super Duper Racist.


So I offer you both sides. Mind your own business! It’s not a bad idea! Except when it clearly isn’t. Contradiction! Complexity! Congratulations, you get both.

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What I Learned From Dating A Lot

If a relationship ends, it’s not because it failed. A smart person I know says that “all relationships eventually meet their level”. What I think she means by this, is that  most relationships end up sorting out if they are friends in passing, coworkers, long-time lovers, a flash in the pan, etc. There are so many kinds of relationships we have in the world and it is important to really value them across the spectrum, not just our romantic and sexual relationships.


Most relationships end or do a slow fade. And sometimes they return! And sometimes they don’t.


Dating should be fun! And I know that “relationships are work” but see that’s the thing, they TAKE work but they should BE work. For myself, it took a long time to suss out the difference between “dating in such a fashion and such people that I think is the cool thing to do” and “dating in a way that feels sincere and also while I have some flexibility I am also not so anxious to be interacting with another person and concerned about whether or not they like me that I have no idea whether or not I am having fun.”


Couples counseling is not a sign your relationship is failing. It will also not resolve your unresolvables, but hopefully it can give you more tools to communicate effectively with your sweetie, and maybe broaden empathy.


In our lives and in our childhoods, we adopt certain primary coping mechanisms, and through time we usually overdevelop them. As often as not, we seek out partners that have complementary skills, and often those are the things that we initially are attracted to in them though over time, those are eventually the things that we find really challenging and/or annoying. Ultimately, if we can strive to see those things as our sweeties seeking security/balance, we can understand those behaviors better. (especially when they come up in conflict!)  In which case we can better see “I’m not doing this to make you mad, I’m actually doing it because it’s the thing that makes me calmer.” Also see: Chaos Muppet/Order Muppet.


Sex should also be fun. Also, you should talk about it, before and during and after. There is no blueprint for How You Should Be Having Sex. Again: There Is Not Only One Way To Have Sex But You Should Be Enjoying It As Close To Definitely As Possible.


Homework: Go read “Yes Means Yes” and “What You Really Really Want.” Enthusiastic consent: use it.


Also, if people are not in your hot hot nakedness, then they do not deserve to see it.


You can have casual sex with people and still be respectful. I hear that especially for women, having casual sex makes you undesirable later on. Or means that you’re “cheap” or “loose” or “slutty.” Or, god forbid, it seems as if you ENJOY sex. While many of like to toot our own horn about how we’re being bad, bad girls and getting into dirty business with some very scandalous people, just remember: those scandalous people are people too. They are not demeaning you, and you are not demeaning them, and they are not cheap or tacky for having sex with you. You are having communion in the High and Holy Church of Sexy and Awesome. And I hope that it is Sexy and Awesome, or at the very least Pleasant and Interesting.


People have really different preferences for dating, relationships, and how much space they take up in your life. Some people want one date, some people want dozens, some folks want to live with their partner, some folks only have partners that live out of town. That’s fine. See what you like. Communicate openly, respectfully, and often.


Half the fun of dating is figuring out what you like! And, inevitably, the thing you like is not the thing that your sweetie likes. You can work with/around that, or you can draw things to a close. One thing, for sure: you cannot make anybody want the thing that they do not want. You cannot cajole, shame, seduce, or sweet talk anybody into wanting something they do not want. They may go along with it, for a little or a long while because they like you, but that is not the same as wanting it. And eventually the wheels will fall off. Make arrangements before the wheels fall off.


Also, your sweeties are hopefully on Team You, but there are many, many players on Team You. Like your friends! Don’t ditch your friends! Many of them will be around longer than your sweetie- be reliable with your friends, make time and space for them, honor your relationship, be accountable and grow with them. Celebrate friendaversaries. Spend time with your friends away from your sweetie. Allow your relationships to grow and change over time to accommodate your different needs but maintain your vital connection.


The most important thing I learned from dating was: there is not a scarcity of sex, love, or affection in the world. It may require a certain amount of alchemy, timing, and shared intention for you to get the particular thing that you are aiming at, but the ways in which you are worthy of all kinds of sweetness, affection, deep love and scandalous flattery are everywhere. There are so many people out there in the great wide world who want to tell you how damn charming you are. Now go say hello.


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One of the more useless aspects of being socialized female was being brought up to believe that it was desirable for everyone to like me! And it was my job to convince them!

Fortunately, lots of people not just me have had this problem.

Now, social capital can be a useful piece of leverage, though it is a really nefarious thing you get by being funny, or conventionally good-looking, or excessively accommodating. Or acting like you don’t care at all.

Also, in the world of mental health professionals, it’s not super common to hear therapists or psychologists, when speaking to their colleagues, say that they LIKE their client. Maybe because of boundaries, maybe because of professionalism and psychodynamic theory, maybe because who you like and don’t like is extremely subjective. However, it is totally fair game to say that someone is “likable.” “Likable” means somebody has social skills, or some endearing quality, (which includes being just the right amount of rude) and just a tip-if a therapist is describing somebody as “likable” they are far more inclined to make a sound effort. Most people will try harder when they like you.

It is fair to say that there are a number of things that are useful about having people like you!

And then it turns out, in spite of all your efforts, somebody might not like you. Maybe they hate the smell of your rosemary mint soap. They have a vendetta against all faux-hawks. They have a lot of judgements about the way you use Facebook. Who knows why. Maybe it’s you, maybe it’s them, probably it doesn’t matter.

One point of distinction: it can be a really useful thing to not dislike somebody innately, but really find aspects of their behavior aggravating. Drawing boundaries of the sort that build a relationship (ie, letting people know gently/clearly what does and doesn’t work for you) can be a fantastic thing to practice. Conversely: you do not owe anybody your time or affection or excuses. And they do not owe you that, though it is reasonable to expect people to be respectful of you, and keep their microaggressions to themselves.

But not everybody likes you! Or maybe they just don’t like you in the way you want them to like you, or you like each other but have different expectations or schedules.

It can be a lonely place to live, for sure, when it feels like a few key players in the social arena do not like you.

Sometimes there are regional or subcultural aspects to it. I sometimes think that in Seattle folks have to have known you for at least 18 months before they feel comfortable inviting you to coffee, unless it is summertime, or you both just moved to the city, or they are interested in having sex with you. None of those are bad reasons, though in the past I have gotten annoyed with people who only return my texts because they are hoping to see me naked.

Also: sometimes it’s not because people don’t like you! It’s because they’re busy! Or they have experienced a series of unfortunate events that renders them incapable of getting back to you! Or they just really prefer to hang out with their cat and watch True Blood. Either way, not about you!

But either way: getting people to like you is not your job. It is your job to handle your business and lead your life in such a way that you can live with the consequences. Also it’s good if you pull your weight with regard to social justice issues, but really if you can just get it together to handle your business and don’t be a jerk to people, you’re doing great.

Here’s a piece of advice, that applies across the board: People Who Like You Will Act Like They Like You. And it will not require you to interpret their behavior. And you are likable. So don’t take any shit.

Credit where credit is due:

I learned a lot of my stuff, included the catchphrase People Who Like You Will Act Like They Like You from: here

And for all you nerds that want some extra credit:

Five Geek Social Fallacies

The Geek Social Fallacies of Sex

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July 3, 2012 · 4:29 am